Saturday, February 5, 2011

Formula for Crazy

I sit at the kitchen table, listening to the sounds of NYC, looking out at my limited view, wishing I could lace up my running shoes and head to Central Park.  Oh how I wish for that.  Actually at this point I’d settle to just be able to walk to Central Park.  Wait, I might even settle to be able to go there on crutches.  (Hmmm, given the ice on the street that might be dangerous). OK, so let’s be honest, I’d settle for any form of locomotion that would allow me, ME, to control my destiny,  ANYTHING that would allow me to regain some independence. 

It’s been two weeks since I woke up in the PACU at Memorial Sloan Kettering and asked “what happened to me.”  In that time I have been getting better and stronger every day.  I have tried to be a good patient, even if I have the most conservative of plastic surgeons.  He ordered 7 days of complete bed rest with my foot elevated at all times, and there was no wavering.  At the end of that, he says 2 more weeks of chair privileges, as long as the foot stays elevated.  He won’t let me have crutches to prevent any cheating.  OK, OK, I’ll listen.

All of this leads me to the following formula….

How To Make a Highly Independent Somewhat Type A Person Completely Insane:

Step 1- Take away their ability to do anything for themselves-  Seriously, for awhile, it was ANYTHING.
Step 2- Take away the ability to do any real form of cardiovascular exercise
Step 3- Have them in constant, severe pain
Step 4- Throw in pain drugs that limit their ability to multi-task and fog their brain's functioning
Step 5- slowly and progressively deny them their personal dignity
Step 6:  Assign them a loud, whiny, intrusive, anxiety riddled roommate who leaves their TV on all night to deprive said person of a good night’s sleep for days on end
Step 7- Have their cell phone die so that they can’t even contact the outside world
Step 8- do all of the above while it is freezing outside and the sidewalks are partially covered in ice

The antidote to the above insanity inducing actions:

Step 1: Laugh a lot, laugh often, laugh at nothing, just keep said person laughing because while laughing the insanity can’t possibly build
Step 2: Lots of visitors, visitors are essential to step 1, but also to break the monotony
Step 3:  Messages from friends and family so as to not feel completely disconnected and forgotten in their own world
Step 4:  Activities to pass the time, puzzles, card games, good books, etc.
Step 5: Allow uninterrupted sleep once finally out of the hospital
Step 6: Exposure to sunlight and fresh air at least once a day even if such air is freezing
Step 7: Good friends to take care of their dog and home so as to not have to worry about those things
Step 8: Continued support, prayers and well wishes from dear friends and family whether near or far.
Step 9: After getting a new replacement phone in record time at the Apple store, run into a guy who holds the elevator for you saying “I spent 5 years like that,” and admits he also used the shark attack tale.

Step 10:  Get back to sunny SoCal (and my Sadie) as soon as possible!

A special thanks to all of you who have helped with the antidote over the last two weeks, you are all very dear to me and have helped in ways small and large.  It has been a long rough road so far and so much left to go, but I make progress every day and I know that I couldn’t forge my way along this road alone.


Michael Clyde said...

SOMEWHAT Type A??????

Hang in there bud.

Dr. Lisa said...

Yep, Mike, that was a bit of a joke, but did you appreciate Theron getting verbose?

Anonymous said...

Wonderful are "getting
better and stronger everyday"!
D.and J. Thousand Oaks