Pain

Its been 9 months since they cut cancer out of my ankle.  9 months since my 14 hour surgery.  9 months.... I can't believe it.  Sometimes I stop and am awed by this fact, by how much time has gone by, by how little time has gone by.  Yet still its been 9 months.  Physically, I'm healing.  I'm proud of having been able to complete 2/3 of a triathlon.  I'm amazed that I am training to run a half marathon less than a year after my surgery.  These facts make me smile, but I hurt.

For 9 months I have been in pain all day every day, and I'm tired.  My surgeon yesterday said this is the harder part of my recooperation.  Geez, I figured out months ago.  I can power through the physical part, sheer will and determination is getting me back into shape, but this pain is something else.  There are mornings that I realize I'm awake when the pain kicks in, nights it wakes me up, evenings that I sit on the couch and won't move because I don't want to take a step.  Yet...

My foot hurting means that I have a foot.  The shooting pain in my foot and ankle means that the nerve graft took, and the nerve is regrowing.  The aching pain in my arch may mean that some of my foot intrinsic muscles are coming back.  My foot hurting means there is a chance that it'll recover completely, a chance that this will all become just a memory.

Still I can run again on this foot.  I can ride my bike.  I can do most of what I want to do.  I can make this be OK.  I just have to keep reminding myself.

Pause

Talking to my physical therapist the other day, we realized that I will be doing my 2/3 of the Malibu Triathlon a few days short of 8 months after my surgery.  8 months, wow!  My PT says most people would be barely getting around 8 months after the type of surgery I had. However, I never strive to be most people.  Still 8 months...

Thinking back to where I was 8 months ago, a lump rises in my throat, my chest tightens and I remember the fear the anxiety that filled me in that time.  I didn't know what they were going to have to do to remove the recurrence of that silly cancer in my ankle.  I knew there would be no radiation this time, no other treatment, just cut it all out.

Fast forward, a month or two, I'm sititng on my parents porch still in a wheelchair, deciding that signing up for a portion of the Malibu Triathlon to raise money for cancer research is a good idea.  I recruit my friend to run for me and Team Lisa is born.  Crazy, maybe, a little, probably, yes, more than a little crazy.  However, I needed a goal.  My psyche, my health, my sanity needed a goal.  Thus, I started to swim as soon as they said I could, I started to ride my bike as soon as possible.  I found freedom, peace when I could be on my bike or in the pool.  Therefore, less than 8 months after my surgery I will swim and ride in the Malibu Triathlon and my friend Jason will run.  He has supported me through out this whole adventure,  kept me positive, kept me within my limits.  I am honored to have such a friend and blessed to be able to be on this road.  I may not be able to feel the bottom of my foot, I may have no muscles left in my foot, I may not be able to stand for more than a few moments at a time, but swim and ride, I can do that!

Still 8 months?  Wow, there is a lot about the last 8 months that I'd like to forget, there's a lot I don't remember, but this, as I said in my post about joining Team In Training, feels right to me.  It has given me strength and purpose.  I'm still shocked when others tell me they find my journey inspiring, because to me it was just about staying sane over these last 8 months. About not letting cancer take anything else from me.   I would be honored if you would help me support for Pediatric Cancer Research or any words of encouragement as race day approaches.

Thank you for joining me on this journey.

To donate to the Nautica Malibu Triathlon follow this link.