Leap of Faith

Standing on the edge of the Cornice at Mammoth, I look at the precipice of the run I’m about to undertake. I watch skier after skier complete their first turn off of the edge and disappear below.  The sun beats down on me. It is a perfect day for skiing.  For the first time in recorded memory the wind is not howling on this ridge so I can take a few moments to look around, to appreciate the beauty of where I am.

Then I turn my mind back to the run in front of me.  A big group has just gone. It is my turn.  I feel my heart beat faster, those few familiar moments of fear as I prepare to drop into the bowl I can’t see.  I trust in my skill on skis, my experience, my strength.  Yet still there is something awesome about having to take this kind of a leap of faith into that which you cannot see.

I take a deep breath, and I drop from the cornice.  The first few turns are so steep, but the snow is perfect.  I gather speed. I can only hear the sound of my skis speeding over the snow as faster and faster I carve my turns.  My legs, my body respond on muscle memory alone.  I am 100% in the moment, nothing else on the mind.  Just this.  At the bottom, I feel the exhiliration the rush of doing something that seems a little crazy.  There is no lift line.  I go again and again, different runs off the top, the same moment of fear, the same exhilaration at the bottom, until my legs scream that they can take no more.

There are days I walk into situations at work that seem so terrible, terrible beyond anything most can imagine.  I feel a similar moment of questioning, of anxiety.  Am I equal to the task placed on me?  I allow myself to question it, but only for a moment that is all that fear gets.  Then I’m calm and collected as I direct the team.  I trust in my training, my skill, my knowledge, my colleagues.  In those moments, my focus is similar, I am 100% in that moment, yet the two experiences couldn't be more different.  It is a leap of faith of a different kind.

Objectivity

I am a neonatologist, most of you know this. My specialty isn't all about happy endings and everything coming up roses. We deal with critically ill babies, babies so sick or with such rare diseases that they are transferred to us when they cannot be cared for in the community anymore. We have many wonderful success stories. I celebrate those because they keep me going through rough days. However, we also have many sad, sad stories and unfortunately some of the babies who come to us cannot be saved.

In my professional life, I am equally dedicated to saving the babies in my care who have a chance at survival and doing so with the highest level of skill and integrity that I can, as I am dedicated to not inflicting unnecessary suffering when it is clear that there is no possibility of survival. These dual goals of mine are not at all at odds with each other, but they do require extreme clarity and certainty of your knowledge. You must have the facts and when they are unclear fight for life. When the information is there you must be able to tell the family so they can understand and work towards acceptance. If you are not objective, this is not possible. This is why as physicians we do not care for family members, or those who are like family. Because try as you might, you cannot be objective. I have on more than one occassion wound up having to care for the children of people that I know in real life whether close friends or acquaintences. We have had family members of our staff in the unit etc. and try as you might that objectivity is affected. Which doesn't always translate to better care for the patient which is after all the whole point.  

However, this is not in anyway to say that you should be withdrawn. As a neonatal intensivist, my humanity, my care, my concern is my center, my driving force. I must care, so that I can do my job to the best of my ability. As I have said the day that I do not shed a tear when a baby dies will be the day I quit.  No questions asked, no second thoughts.

I struggle with these issues when life forces me to cross those lines and the black and white that I can normally see all becomes shades of grey.  I try to avoid it, but sometimes I can't.  I just try to do the best that I can and admit my weaknesses.  Wish me luck.

What does it mean if you die in your dream?

I occassionally remember my dreams, most of the time I do not.  In the last few months, I've had several particularly vivid dreams.  Some a little disturbing on different levels.  I tend to dream more vividly at work, probably because I don't sleep deeply.

However, last night after spending a lovely relaxing evening at home.  An evening that included a great run, yummy dinner, long bath, productivity, watching of the olympics etc. I settled down for a good nights sleep after a busy wedding weekend.  I promptly entered dream land....

In my dream, I was a passenger in a car (not mine) driving down the Rim of the World highway.  We were singing off key to the music, laughing.  Not sure who I was with though.  When all of  a sudden we hit a patch of ice.  The car spun out of control, I screamed.  We hit the guard rail, tumbled over and then hit a tree on my side of the car.  All went dark, and I woke up a hair bit mad at my subconscious for doing such a thing to me.

So, if this means something bad is about to happen, its been awesome knowing you all.  I'm still going skiing on Monday, though.  I can't put too much stock in this dream stuff.

Conversations with my 13 year old self

Last October I found myself at my 20 yr high school reunion.  An event I almost didn’t attend because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go back there.  Surprisingly, I had a really nice time, and I have reconnected with some old friends, and for that alone it is well worth it.  However, it was also fun to see how people have changed, grown, matured.  At the reunion itself many of the old cliques were still present, but mostly everyone was friendly.

So, a few weeks ago when I got an invitation for a girls reunion with some of my old classmates, I decided to give it a try.  So, there gathered at a bar/ restaurant in Pasadena was a group of 8 women.   Several of whom I had known since age 5 when we started San Marino schools, most I’d known since Jr High.  Some I was friends with, some not so much.  It was a gathering of people that would never of happened in high school, that much I am sure of, but it was fun.

As I sat around the table and listened to everyone talk about the reunion, their lives and some of our experiences.  Over half of those gathered had reasons why they had almost not gone to the reunion, or gone out that night. Yet there we all were laughing together.   I thought of Pink’s song, "Conversations with my 13 year old self.” I questioned, what I would tell my 13 year old self, if I could go back in time.  Pink says “You’re laughing, but you’re hiding. I know the trick too well…Don’t worry, everything will work out fine.”  That’s a nice message, but I’m sure that 13 year old me would have said “yeah, yeah what do you know.” Adolescents always think they know everything. Still it is true, we do all grow up.

So, I am grateful that I have reconnected with some of the people I grew up with. I hope that we stay reconnected and can call each other friends.

Why I'm proud of my hospital

When leaving work on Friday, I ran into our chief of surgery. He and I have a jovial relationship, but he was somber.  He is Haitian.  I asked if he’d heard from his family.  He said he’d had contact with half of them, and was leaving for Haiti the next day to do what he could to help and hopefully hear about the rest of his loved ones.

Here is a man at a zenith in his career who came from humble beginnings.  He has never forgotten this, I have always respected that about him.  However, to see a man of his power so scared was humbling,  because in this kind of situation it does not matter.  Money isn’t going to get you anything in Haiti if there is no water, when there are no roads, when the situation is that bad.  Yet, we hope. He is traveling to Haiti with a medical team. They will treat whoever is brought to them. He hopes to find his family.

My heart bled talking to him. I told him I couldn’t go this weekend, but if there would be future trips, I’d go.  He said he’d be returning in a few weeks.  I’ll try to go, if they need me, and my boss will let me. When I entered the medical field, I always believed that I’d spend a fair portion of my time working in developing nations, but I chose a technology dependent specialty and travel is limited.  However, if my skills could help in Haiti, I’d go in an instant.  Because it is the right thing to do.

I’m proud that our head of surgery understands this and supports it with his own time and skill.

The World According to Dr. Lisa

Several of my friends are shocked that I'd post my age on the internet, but age is really a figment of time and place, right?  Not a question of yourself.  I mean if I lived on Mars, I'd be younger as defined by the number of times my home planet orbitted the sun, but still the same time would have elapsed.  Or is that a little existential.  Seriously, though, I have now been 39 for a week, and I'm good with it.  I know who I am.  I have been on the journey that is my life with all of its ups and downs and I am the sum total of that journey. Of course there are things I wished would have happened by now, but I can only worry about what I can control.  My grandpa, who was a wise man, had a motto "never begrudge getting older, it is a privilege denied to many."  There is a lot of truth to that.  So, while yes, I'd love to have fewer lines on my face and not be fighting gravity.  (At least people no longer ask if I am old enough to be their child's doctor.) I see no point in lying and saying that I'm younger or trying to hide my age.   I can't imagine being 30 again, that wasn't such a great year.  So far life at 39 seems pretty great, and 38 was out of this park.  So, if things keep getting better, no clue what could happen next..  I might just run the world by the time I'm 40, and let me tell you, the world according to Lisa would be pretty cool.  So, I embrace my age and I'm going with it.

Birthday Soiree

Being born in December, I have grown accustomed to having my birthday passed over.  What with all the holdiay craziness etc.  The past year has been so amazing, and I fully expect the amazingness to continue so I decided that that would just not do.  I organized myself a little birthday soiree.  I invited a bunch of my favorite people, people I know in a variety of different ways.  I made food, cocktails and set my house up for a party.  My friend, Kim, made me a cake.  I laughed, I smiled, I entered the last year of my 30s on a good note.

Thanks to all who came and helped me celebrate my birthday.  This has the beginnings of a pretty good year..